Friday, January 21, 2011

To: surviving the attitude problem of the fourth season



1) Try not to be born on an island. Snow flakes are less welcoming than the sea surf they float like, and will read the riot act to your toes and not caress your now perfect-oval bootprints.

2) You will thank God for the three 60% cotton blouses in your cupboard with sleeves going past your shoulder caps.

3) Google 'bubble jacket'.

4)You will reserve the expression "white as snow" for areas outside of Brooklyn and Mary's lamb on a good day. Think of applying primer to wet black paint.

5) You will empathize with the Jamaican bobsled team in 'Cool Runnings'.

6) Blast music in your headphones so that your joints have a good reason to be shaking like this.

7) Forget about taking that hair-cut you were contemplating a month ago.

8) Do not complain about bad heating in your apartment if you can't afford a 20% rent increase.

9) You will write a letter to your local bank/sponsor/parents explaining that you didn't account for winter clothes in your estimated school expenses.

10) You will change your mind about this letter while you are writing the last sentence.

11) You should remember that the cold has a reason, and so do you.

12) ...but one should not expect the wind to be reasonable.

13) Think of the last time you cracked the ice-tray and a block of ice (or two) slid across the kitchen floor to the other side of the room. Now, think of yourself as an upside down piece of kitchen floor, on the bed of a huge ice-block. See how boots and streets interact.

14) The dry blood in your nostrils every morning is actually a good sign. Thank God your nights are warm.

15) Studies have proven that couples break up most in the fourth season. It helps to have the other half of your couple in a second season state of mind so that your heart is kept warm.

....to be continued.

Copyright © 2011 Arielle John

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